From This Spot Looking Back

A little something I wrote a few months ago. Enjoy.


The Murphy’s Law:Β  “Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way”.

You just couldn’t agree more. That Murphy guy or whoever invented that term, at one time, must had experienced something dire, one by one, again and again, beyond comprehension.

Shattered beliefs and crumbling reality, things you afraid of most and things you hated the most, all came crushing down at the same time. Leaving your soul with nothing to cling on, with nothing to reach for but strains of bleak hopelessness and despair. You were drowning in a huge thick glass block of water, entrapped in a chained straight jacket you put on yourself, and you finally realized you’re no fucking Houdini.

A tiny epiphany shone in your tiny little mind, like sunlight bursting through little gaps of leaves and swirling branches in the forest, you can’t avoid what’s inevitable. Resistance was futile. So you just stopped struggling and be still..


And waited..

Even if you didn’t really know what the hell you were waiting for. A miracle perhaps. Because you have always believed in miracles, even though all your life you could only see exactly the opposite. Well, the people at the church and Hollywood surely have done a damn good job there.

Or maybe you’re waiting for someone to finally noticed that you are dying, and offered to give you a sweet eulogy when, after all of this was over, you lie in a beautiful casket full of flowers, breathless and motionless. Smiling contently, at last.

So you just kept on waiting..

Even though regrets were seeping through your soul, like the cold water filling up your broken lungs. Even though breathing and staying alive were painstakingly the hardest job you have ever done. Even though all your veins were bursting and blood floating around you buoyantly, slowly and beautifully, like scarlet mist in an afternoon sky.

But you kept on waiting..

And then your mind couldn’t help but wandering. Thinking about the ones you loved the most, about all the lies you told and all the nasty things you have done to them, and suddenly a simple “sorry” felt thousands times more valuable than all of Solomon’s lost treasure. Then you felt sad. And you liked it when you were sad.

But “sorry” is just a word, apology is just a social gesture, tears are just saline, and sadness is a mere emotion triggered by some hormones, and regret is just some psychological reaction to a certain stimulus. Just like when you say “ouch” when somebody pinches you.

So why do you give too much meaning to all these supposedly meaningless attributes? Why do you care so much? Just to prove yourself that you are human being with feelings? Just to remind yourself that you are alive?

But are you truly alive?

When your needs, desires and dreams were made up by consumeristic advertisings created by multinational corporate owners sitting in their aesthetic office somewhere in a place you would never go in your life time, could you call yourself alive?

When you said you wanted to have a beautiful house with post-modern furnitures, was that really you talking or was it IKEA? When you said you wanted a bag or a silk dress with a price that can feed a couple of poor families for a few months, was that really you or some gay Italians? When you said you wanted a laptop or Black-fucking-berry so you could spend hours of Facebooking at Starbucks, was that really you or was it what your latest lifestyle magazine said that would make you look superficially cool?

When you said that all these things would make you happy, did you really understand what you were saying?

And you remembered some pseudo-science article that you Googled once: happiness is a cocktail of dopamine, serotonin a drop of adrenaline, which you could always get easily by popping some pills. But happiness is just like GOD. Everyone talks and seems to know about it more than the next person. But the hard truth is, nobody really knows what it is.

If misery is the absence of happiness, and if happiness is nothing but self-centric, self-deceiving meanings you made up yourself, why do you feel miserable?

Is it just to justify yourself that you never meant to hurt anybody? Was it just to assert a little shards of sense of morality that you posses? Was it just to convince yourself that all were honest mistakes? While deep down inside you know exactly that it were never mistakes at all. Blame it all to the selfish gene and the survival instinct, but you know you made all the choices and all the decisions fully aware and consciously, by yourself.

No one else, just you. And you alone.

But too much knowledge will kill you. So as the bubbles popping out of your mouth and nose became less and less, you floated still..


And waited..

Until the moment you finally popped out your single last bubble. And you could hear nothing but the deafening silence of white noise.

Kei Savourie
February 12, 2009. 9:27 PM.

56 Responses to From This Spot Looking Back

  1. @Afis: Lu ngomong Kei gagal. Gue tanya emangnya lu bisa ngerayu cewek yg udah direkayasa?

    Eh RedZ ke mana ya? Kok ngga response lagi?

  2. mau respon cewe yang di hit lex marah ,nangis,nyolok matanya sendiri atau apapun, tapi dia membuktikan bahwa dia ialah pria yang berani mengambil resiko, soal hasil tidak menjadi masalah, gw salute deh ama HS! ditunggu kehadirannya di bandung guys +)

  3. @fox saya ngomongin presenter berita, bkn artis yg jd presenter.


    maaf statement kemaren gw tujukan tuk FOX


    afis disukai wanita pedoman tuk pria

  4. @ RedZz:
    kamu dikira co (lagi) wkwkwk..

    @ afis:
    setahu dt itu syarat jadi newscaster, deh, bukan presenter tipi.. =3

    @ sins:
    seconded to you. HS is about you and yourself.

    Selama dt baca-baca artikel HS kebanyakan memang tentang bagaimana meng-up grade diri. Entah fashion atau cara berpikir. Karena pada dasarnya we attracted to attractive person dan itu yang HS coba bagi. IMO.

  5. @Afis: TOEFL 500? Kalo begitu gimana Tukul bisa masuk TV? Apakah ini tingkat intelegensia seorang Afis?

    @Wew: Kayaknya TANPA SADAR, ALAM BAWAH SADAR RedZ tertarik ama Afis. Tiap Afis komen, RedZ pasti yang paling cepet duluan nanggepin. Nungguin Afis komen? Sangat manusiawi kok, cewek kan suka ama cowok2 pemberontak, ngga penurut dan tampil beda… πŸ™‚

  6. @afis:
    “lw pgn nanya teknik gw, ANEH !! emangnya gw yang bikin HITMANSYSTEM, ngapain gw cape2 broadcast juga. Yang bisnis kan kalian bkn gw”

    remind me pLease, when did i ever ask ur techniQue?

    Lo jangan ngomong gitu ah, gw merinding tau.

  7. oh iya satu lagi, ngapain lw pada ng-JUDGE presenternya goblog, memangnya kalian kira jadi presenter TV gampang. Itu sulit sekali, penyaringannya berkali-kali, IQ harus tinggi, EQ harus stabil TOEFL lbh dari 500. pintar bicara, wawasan harus sangat luas.

    Blm tentu kalian ini bs jadi presenter TV

    Blow me

  8. @ fox, redzz, sins

    @ fox
    Nah itu dia, klo mau advertising lg di tv, kasih formatnya dulu ke manajemen gmn bagusnya.
    example idenya si fox yang katanya hit ce cakep yg baru lewat, n bkn rekayasa.

    @ redz

    lw pgn nanya teknik gw, ANEH !! emangnya gw yang bikin HITMANSYSTEM, ngapain gw cape2 broadcast juga. Yang bisnis kan kalian bkn gw



  9. Sins bener, emangnya mudah ngerayu cewek yang udah direkayasa?? Presenternya memang goblok. Kalo kepalanya ada isi, mustinya dia minta Lex, Kei dan Cygnus hit abis2an cewek cakep yang lagi lewat. Terus ceweknya diinterview. PASTI SERU! Bukannya malah interview ama nenek yang belum dihit lahir batin sama sekali!!
    Ibaratnya orang yang biasa naek bus ditanya gimana rasanya naek Audi (ya jelas jawabnya ngawur)

    Btw kayaknya nenek yang dinterview itu baru abis dihit ama Afis. Makanya trauma dan jawabnya begitu πŸ™‚

    Apis ini memang musuh bebuyutan hitmansystem sejati! Sampe nonton video klip Hitman segala buat dicari kelemahannya! CKCKCK Kayak dektektif aja!
    Jadi menurut lu berapa Persentasenya Pis?
    Aduh kenapa ya gue jadi ngeladenin Apis begini??? TTOOOLLOOONGG!!! Kayaknya gue jadi tambah BOODOOH nih!!!

  10. @afis

    It’s depends on you.
    yang kita lakukan adalah memberitahu lo semua social dynamic yang ada di linkungan kita.Then memberitahu lo caranya buat menembus itu.
    Then kalo motivasi lo buat itu gak ada. It’s all yours.

    but walau lo udah canggih. seperti kata redz maybe about 1% cewe yang gak tertarik buat ngobrol ama lo.

    Because setiap orang punya personality yang berbeda. n we (HS alumnus) have a lot of specialty or different characteristics too.

    the last.but not least. HS is about you and YOURSELF.!!

  11. @Afis:
    kaLaupun HS menjamin 99,99% keberhasiLan, pis,
    gw rasa it won’t work with u..
    Jadi kayaknya percuma juga u tau.. toh u wiLL simpLy be the 0.01%..

  12. berarti kesimpulan gw, g smua teknik di HS dapat berhasil 100% menggaet wanita. Berarti ada SLA nya donk, jadi HS berani menjamin berapa persen tuk kesuksesannya.

    @sins : g smua ce digaet itu brhsil khan
    @fox : yah itu contoh yg memperkuat argument gw yg diatas.

  13. ohhh… I wonder if i have time to join workshop to meet such as wonderful man like U , Kei and live in near Jakarta…
    why HSEW always crash with my schedule (T T)

  14. @atas gua,sama kirain sebagian doang.haha

    bahasa inggrisnya terlalu dalem.jadi bingung haha

    nanti pagi deh baru baca ulang.dah teler bacanya nih haha

  15. I don’t know why, but this entry reminds dt to death (or simply because my patient die last night). What we love most, asking for an apology, regrets what we’ve done, and so on. Seems like we don’t have any other day called tomorrow.

    Yesterday dt watches a great movie. The Bucket List. Film about two people who is facing the fact that their life is no longer than a year due to cancer. Maybe it can help you find out what happiness is.

    Still mourning,

  16. Wow Englishnya mantap!
    Lain kali kalo isi blog pake bhs English aja biar orang kampung pada ndak ngerti hihihi

    Emangnya kalo teknik loe gimana? Master Kei udah berusaha sebaik mungkin dan patut dikasih applause. Lagian kalo cewek ngambek itu kan harusnya diignore bukan dirayu. Jadi bukan salah Master Kei

  17. @afis.
    sedikit OOT

    Emank ada ya cewe yang blom lo hit or kenal ama lo.udah marah ama lo ?

    entah kenapa begitu pintarnya cara berpikir dari presenter yang meminta kei kenalan ama cewe yang entah di sulap dari mana sudah marah dengan kei.

    What a miracle,

  18. Kei, Kei, nice post
    I was just wondering, so this was how you were a few months ago, but what about where Kei is today.
    Is you view still the same, what’s happening so far, or has it changed, has it developed to a totally yet another new reality to you.
    Interesting huh πŸ™‚

  19. To me happiness is the way you think, or you can call it perception, for everything happen in your life. For example, 2 people got 2 luxury cars from a lucky draw, a boss and a driver. The boss is so happy, he sold his old car and proud of himself when he show the new shinny car to his clients. The driver wants the car so badly, but his saving cannot pay the tax. He feel so miserable as he cannot make his wife happy.

    So a same thing happen to 2 different people, which bring both sadness and happiness. So what is happiness? It depends on us to choose the way we think…

  20. Wow, it’s like another view of previous Lex post.

    I luv the point when Kei stated that happiness is like God. In our searching for happiness, we never know what the real form of happiness is. I also like the previous paragraph, sometime i see it as “irony”. I feel it when i see latest clip of Iwan Fals @ TV.

    What is happiness actually?
    Hero Flame

  21. @afis:
    toLong kasih perbedaan yg jeLas antara your so-caLLed- “Laziness” dan fakta bahwa maybe-“you just don’t understand the shit”

    but anyway..
    kaLo tuLisan ini bisa dikategorikan sebagai “shit”,
    then this is simpLy an outstanding piece of shit.

    *reading it aLL again*,

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